When I told the doctor about my blood pressure spikes, she began listing symptoms I should be having. I just smiled and shook my head no. Then I handed her my lab results. A knowing look came over her face and she said, "I bet you have protein in your urine. Let's see." She flipped to the back page. Shock washed over her face. "Oh, wow. No protein at all in your urine. I'm really surprised." I smiled but my patience was beginning to wane.
Then she asked me to sit on the table for an exam. After looking down my throat, she said, "You snore really bad, don't you?" Again I shook my head no and rather indignantly said, "No, I don't snore." Surprised she said, "Oh. Huh. I assumed with your small airway that you had sleep apnea causing your high blood pressure." I laughed dryly and said, "I don't have sleep apnea."
Evidently stumped, she asked me to come once again sit on the chair so we could go over my family history again.
When she looked at my family history, she was stunned to see my mom's perfect health. Even my dad's severe sleep apnea and high blood pressure wasn't enough for her. She said we needed to go back another generation and see what was going on there. She was on a mission to find something wrong with me, to find some skeleton in my medical closet that she could unearth. So I smiled -- a little less friendly this time -- and let her ask me about my grandparents.
By now I felt like I was on trial. I felt accused. Not believed. Sick until proven healthy.
When my grandparents' health history didn't produce anything dramatic, she turned her attention to my panic attacks and anxiety. "Why do you have panic attacks?" I laughed. If I knew, I wouldn't have them. Duh. I didn't say that. Instead I said, "Not exactly sure other than a spiritual attack on my emotional and mental well-being." When I looked at her, it was like I was speaking another language.
Then she conceded that indeed the naturopath was right. My blood pressure issues must be related to my failing adrenals, sleeping thyroid and extra estrogen. "So, now what am I supposed to do? Your visit didn't take that long and I have all this time before my next appointment." She laughed. Now it was my turn to be shocked.
A few minutes later I left with my prescription and an order for more blood work in a few months. As I drove home, I heard God whisper, "You are not your family history. You are not your high blood pressure. You are not your hypothyroid. You are not burnt out adrenals. You are mine."
I'd sat there in that appointment accused. Condemned. The doctor offered no hope. No light. Just a promise of more blood work, more (pointless) visits, and a life time of meds. (by the way, my naturopath is always encouraging, always credits my progress to God's healing)
And it occurred to me. This scene plays out every day in the spiritual realm. The enemy condemns. Accuses. Attacks. Questions. Scares. Judges. Criticizes. Laughs. Labels us. And if we don't guard our hearts, we fall under his attack. But God is there, whispering, "It's not true. That's not who you are. That's not what you are."
Oh how hard it is to hear His voice some times. Don't let the enemy's jeers stop you from believing what your Father is telling you. Someone out there reading this needs to know that she is not her diagnosis. She is not a lab report. She is not her weight. She is not her wrinkles or her cellulite. She is not her eating disorder. She is not her unbalanced hormones. She is His beloved. And He will restore her.
Deuteronomy 30:3 God, your God, will restore everything you lost; he'll have compassion on you; he'll come back and pick up the pieces from all the places where you were scattered.