I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry.
The last four months have made me realize that you have suffered because I was busy. I was so busy and yet I have nothing to show for all of my busy-ness. I've figured out that I lost 6,570 hours of quality time with you because I was busy doing everything over the last two years. What a waste of time.
I'm sorry I rushed you through conversations, through meals, through school, through visits, through time together because there was a to-do list. I'm sorry that I let my mind wander when you talked to me. I didn't mean to, I just had so much going on that I couldn't focus.
I'm sorry I said yes to everybody else and everything else but so often said no to you. I didn't often actually verbalize "no." In all of my "doing," I said no to being with you. Instead, I just kind of checked out of your life because there was so much going on in mine. At least I thought there was.
I'm sorry that I begrudged the routine of our days together. Every chore, every task, even the fun things like reading bedtime stories, became just another item on my to-do list. Family is not a to-do. It's a "be."
I'm sorry for all the interruptions into our lives. The ringing phone, the beeping text messages, the important emails, all of it could have waited. All of it should have waited.
I'm sorry that I looked for excuses to run to the store just to get away from being here with you. It seemed boring, fruitless to do nothing. So I had to do something. There was always something we "needed" it seemed, so that was an easy excuse. I'm sorry I was always taking on projects so I wouldn't have to do something "fruitless" like play a game or go for a walk with you. I thought there were more important things to be done. There weren't.
I'm sorry that I got so burned out on being busy that I could barely function that week back in February, you know, the one before "the fall." The house was a mess. The laundry was backed up. My heart wasn't in anything. It should have been in you.
I'm sorry I was so exhausted. I was running a marathon at a sprint. I used to joke and say, "Every second needs to count. Every minute needs to be productive." I wore myself out trying to be everything to everyone. I was too tired to be the wife, mom, sister, daughter I was meant to be.
I know I'm not perfect, but I'm changing. And I'm sorry.
It's like I've always told you, "True Sorrow Means Change." Hold me to it.